My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
