Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
