im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
