Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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