good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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