I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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