I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
