My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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