I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
