And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
