Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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