i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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