I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
