He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
