Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
