I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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