also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
