I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
