what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
