none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
