thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
