I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
