Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
