I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
