Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
