dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
