he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
