i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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