You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
