his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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