how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
