Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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