Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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