dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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