New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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