On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
whose parrot is this?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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