it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
