Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
