textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
They are going to name an STD after you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
