booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
