If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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