Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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