and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
