dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
