I have demons in me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
