Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
