I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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