'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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