Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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