i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
